Treat Everything (Even a Book Club) Like It Could Be Your Last

As the cliché goes, some day will be your last. It might also be someone else’s.

In July 2020, I emailed all eight of my siblings and told them I wanted to start a “Stauffer Siblings Movie Club.” I wanted to choose a movie we’d all watch on our own, then meet on Zoom and discuss it.

I was uncharacteristically forceful in my insistence that all my siblings come at least for the first meeting.

For some reason, I felt an intense need to play my “oldest brother card” and tell them I wanted to see all of them. I didn’t want them to shrug it off as just another thing in their lives they could either take or leave.

In an email, I told them I wanted all nine of us there, at least for the first discussion:

I would really like to connect with ALL the Stauffer kids, and I’m boldly (and respectfully) asking that all 9 of us participate, at least for the first one.

…although we don't all see eye-to-eye on many things, we're brothers and sisters and we should be able to talk to each other. I also think many of us are struggling with similar things, at the same time, separately from each other, and it would be good to hear from other siblings that we're not alone.

That was an unusual move for me. I’m usually a very calm, cool-tempered guy who holds things loosely. I don’t chase people down or goad them into participating in things if they don’t want to.

I don’t know why I felt so strongly this time around, but I felt the need to flex my seniority a bit. I’m glad I did.

My youngest brother, Riley, in particular, had always been extremely flighty and often said he would attend things but wouldn’t actually show up.

At this point, I’d been running a family book club for a year and a half, and Riley always asked to be included in the invitations for those, but as far as I can recall, he never showed up, even once.

That was annoying.

This time, though, he said he would attend, and he actually did. I was glad, but I didn’t think that much about it.

We met via Zoom and discussed the movie I had chosen: Captain Fantastic. I picked a painful movie that I knew would resonate with all of us in ways that hurt us, challenged us, and made us feel seen.

All nine Stauffer kids were there. Our discussion was good but difficult.

We talked about the movie, which was painful to watch. It reminded us so much of ourselves growing up and our awkward struggle to accept how different we were from the rest of the world as quirky homeschoolers who were cut off from having “normal” social lives.

Many words and feelings were shared in our discussion: plenty of them were frustrated and even angry.

I was glad I had called this meeting: the first of what (I thought) would be many more to come.

But the very next month, Riley, my youngest brother, was dead.

As far as I can recall, that was the last time I ever saw or heard from him.

I’m not sure what to make of all of this. Did I have a premonition? An intuition? A leading from the Holy Spirit?

I don’t know, but I do wonder sometimes.

The last conversation I ever had with my youngest brother was when he told me he’d attend my movie club.

Why did I feel the need to gather all nine of my siblings for something we had never done before?

Why did I go out of my way to make sure all of us were there?

Why did I wait for Riley to show up, since he was late, and make sure to ask every single person in attendance what they thought about the movie?

I’m still processing all of this.

If I were trying really hard to be a professional writer and turn this post into some sort of “and here’s the big lesson I learned” inspirational article, I would probably do that now. But I don’t have any major conclusions.

I can’t turn this into a “Here are five takeaways from this major life event that you can use in your business right now.”

I don’t have good answers.

But I still often think about that inaugural meeting: what turned out to be the first (and only) Stauffer Sibling Movie Club meeting. I’m glad we had it.

I’m sad now that (unlike with my book club meetings) I promised not to record our conversation so we could all speak “off the record” and be completely honest with each other.

All I have from that conversation is a few screenshots I took to mark the occasion.

A screenshot from what I assumed was a normal chat, and one of many to come. (Screenshot modified for privacy)

And boy, if watching “Captain Fantastic” made me cry before, it makes me cry twice as much these days. I really can’t even write much more about it: the movie plot literally revolves around a family death and how the various family members deal with it.

Talk about foreshadowing.

This is part of my journey and part of my story. I’m still fighting to get through it all, trying to make sense of it and understand whatever I can from it.

All I can say right now is:

• Talk to your siblings whenever you can. Use words like “I love you.” Say them out loud, even if it’s awkward.

• If someone in your family really pushes hard to see everybody, even if it seems weird or forced, maybe… just go along with it. They may know something you don’t.

• Treat everything you do every day—even book clubs—like it could be your last. It just might be.

…or it might be someone else’s.