Becoming the Father of an Adult

My oldest child turned 18, which also means my parenthood has reached legal age as well.

Today, my oldest daughter turned 18. That means I’m now the father of a legal adult. This is a big milestone, but at the same time, it’s really just another day in the life of being a father.

I’ve gotten a lot of unsolicited advice from other parents over the years. Some of it was well-intentioned, and some of it was just plain rude, given to me for no apparent reason, that I never asked for.

One thing I’ve heard over and over again over the years is:

“Don’t blink. They grow up so fast.”

With my daughters, in particular, I’ve been told many times: “One day you’ll wake up, and they’ll be 18 and you’ll wonder where all the time went.”

I have no idea why people say this.

At least in my case, right now, this is not true for me at all.

Yes, I get it; they’re saying time rushes by fast, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your kids grow up. That may be true for some people, and it may feel that way for some of my other kids, but today, as my daughter became old enough to legally get married, sign contracts, vote, and all the other legal benefits that come with turning 18, all I can say is:

“The past 18 years felt like… exactly 18 years.”

Really. I don’t wonder where the time went. That feels like a silly thing to say.

I was there for all of it.

I’m not trying to be cynical, but really, getting to this day was a long, hard slog. It feels like it’s been every day of 18 years to get to this point. It was very hard work.

Parenting young children was every bit as hard as I expected; parenting teenagers was much harder than I expected. But I’ve never looked at my kids and thought, “Oh, I don’t want them to grow up. I want them to stay small forever.”

That’s just never been my perspective. As I’ve watched them grow up and get older, it’s been a mixture of blessings and curses.

They get older, and some bad things increase, like disrespectful and defiant behavior, the use of profanity, and a whole slew of rash decisions that turn out to be foolish. But this also comes with a lot of good stuff: when they get into their mid-to-late teens, they can start to do things like babysit the other kids, drive a car, run errands on their own, get a job, and drive themselves to work.

THIS IS AWESOME. It’s a good thing. It’s always been a good thing.

I’m not rushing my kids out the door, but let’s be honest: those early days of having five kids under the age of six were extremely tough. At one point, we had three kids in diapers at the same time and two babies nursing simultaneously… those were very, very hard days. There’s no other way to put it.

I sort of miss bits and pieces of that stage of life, but I would never go back to that time. Those days were hard. These days are also hard, but I wouldn’t trade them.

It’s good for kids to get older and grow up. It’s good to watch them take on more responsibility and risk, fail, learn, get better, grow older, and improve over time.

That’s what life is all about.

I don’t want a family in a perpetual state of infancy. I never did, even when my family was in a stage of infancy.

I want kids who grow up, become wise, learn life skills that help them succeed, and then watch them leave and live a successful life.

I want to see the baby birds leave the nest. That’s the natural order of things. It’s not something to fear or regret.

Parents, here’s my unsolicited advice to you about your own kids:

If I were you, I would… actually, no, I’m not going to give you any advice at all.

You can decide for yourself what’s best for your family without other parents like me telling you what to expect or how to raise—or not raise—your kids.

If you have small children and want to pinch their little baby cheeks a little longer and feel like you need to soak up every moment of their childhood and can’t handle the thought that they’ll grow up and move away, that’s okay with me. You do what’s best for you.

My daughter’s 18th birthday came right on time. Not a day too soon or a day too late.

I didn’t rush it, but I’m not sad to see it come. It’s a good thing for her and for us.

I may look back at the library of 76,352 photos I have on my computer that catalog every day of my life since the day my wife and I were married, and I may cry a little when I see pictures of our precious little babies who are currently sarcastic, ungrateful, occasionally rebellious teenagers. But I don’t want to go back to those days. I’m okay with where I am.

Now, full disclaimer: if and when I become a grandfather, that will be a TOTALLY different story. Ask me how I’m doing then. I may have a completely different opinion at that point.