A Little Tough Love on Election Day from Mr. Stauffer

You’re all acting like children... so sit down and pay attention. We need to talk.

Mr. Stauffer is not pleased with your behavior.

Today is election day, and I’ve gotta say: I’m disappointed in you all. I’m going to put on my dad hat now, so prepare yourself for a little tough love from Mr. Stauffer.

Gather round and pull up a chair—I want you to listen closely.

Today is November 3rd. You know what that means? OF COURSE you do; people have been shouting at you about it incessantly for months.

You’re sick to death of it. We all are.

You know what to do. Go vote, duh.

But looking at what you all are posting online, it’s clear that many of you don’t know what NOT to do. Let me save you a world of headache.

Follow my instructions, and you will sleep better tonight. I promise.

Here are five things you must stop doing right now

#1: STOP LOOKING AT POLLS

All election polls—yes, every single one of them without exception—are complete, utter bunkum. They don’t mean anything. Throw them all away, no matter who runs them or even if they’re associated with a university or research company or what. They’re totally useless.

Did you learn anything from 2016? The best pollsters in the business were all astonished to find out just how wrong they were... yet they still want you to trust them.

Ha, ha, ha, remember this?

What’s more, these polls and surveys are actively harming you. Looking at the results of polls will either give you false hope or unnecessary despair. Most importantly, there’s nothing you can do to change them, whether you do or don’t like the outcome.

Today we all get to participate in the ONE AND ONLY poll in politics that matters; it’s called “Election Day.” When the votes are (finally) counted, and the actual will of the people is recorded, we get to see the results of the only poll that ever means anything.

Stop looking at polls. Right now.

#2: STOP LOOKING AT CROWD SIZES

By far, the dumbest thing people in politics do is share pictures or videos of political events online and say: “Wow! Look at the GINORMOUSLY huge crowd size at my candidate’s event! My candidate is totally going to win!”

Alternatively, they’ll say: “Wow! Look at the PITIFULLY small crowd size at the other candidate’s event! Haw haw! Their candidate is totally going to lose! What an idiot!”

Just like with polls, crowd size means nothing. The only thing that matters is election results.

Did you learn anything from 2020? Joe Biden hid in his basement, did absolutely zilch, wore a big mask and avoided all human contact like a leper, and he still somehow won. Donald Trump filled outdoor arenas with bazillions of wild, screaming fans so fanatical they tattooed his name on their butts, yet he still lost.

Surely this guy won, right? No. The cranky grandpa hiding alone in the cellar did.

Crowd size means nothing. NOTHING.

For Pete’s sake, move on. You’re embarrassing yourself.

#3: STOP LIVING IN A BUBBLE

Surrounding yourself exclusively with people, news sources, and ideas that you always agree with is unhealthy and is a sign of a weak intellect. Are you offended? Too bad; don’t care. It’s true, and we all KNOW it. But many people choose the bubble life anyway.

When I lived and worked in Boulder, Colorado, in 2016, many people I knew said they were POSITIVELY SHOCKED—SHOCKED!—by the election results. I heard many people say some version of: “How could Donald Trump win? Everybody I know voted for Hillary.”

If you have said this or felt this, about any candidate, in any election, congrats—you are living in a bubble.

You know what I did in 2016 that exposed just how much of a bubble Boulderites were living in? In the summer before the election, I took my family on a road trip from Colorado to Florida and back. We saw 15 states in 15 days. It was incredibly enlightening.

I was astonished at the number of Trump yard signs and Trump flags I saw all over the South. Hundreds? Thousands? Tens of thousands? I couldn’t even begin to count them all.

And how many yard signs did I see for Clinton? There were probably at least a few, but I can’t recall seeing a single one.

Not a single one.

So, I can imagine that a lot of people in Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, etc., were NOT shocked when Trump won.

Why? Because if I had asked them, they probably would have said: “Well, OF COURSE Trump won! Everybody I know voted for Trump.”

Guess what? Those people are living in a bubble too.

Typical Florida house—Trump flags everywhere.

If you live in a community where every single person you know acts like you, thinks like you, and believes the exact same things you do about everything… you aren’t part of a community. You are part of a cult.

If you’re so partisan that you don’t even KNOW a single person who voted differently than you did, much less are friends with someone like that, get a life. Get outside your bubble and go find people who aren’t like you. Meet with them. Talk to them. Listen to them.

At a bare minimum, learn that they actually exist. And admit that they can also be Americans, even if they have different—or even opposite—political views from yours.

#4: STOP LETTING THE PEOPLE YOU DISAGREE WITH TURN YOU INTO A MONSTER.

Do you know what happens when you get so outraged by your adversary that you lose your cool and start shouting like a maniac and spewing profanity?

You look like an idiot. No, not your opponent—YOU do.

In that sense, you have already lost. If someone you’re opposed to can make you so angry you totally lose control of yourself, they have beaten you.

President Trump is the “final boss” in this game: he’s better than anyone else I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t even have to argue with people to get them to lose. He just says things that are so crazy and outrageous that his enemies explode into a rage, unraveling in real time, spewing molten hot lava like Vesuvius.

King has turned into a horror-novel villain himself.

Nobody looks at an active volcano and says: “I want to live right next to that.” The same thing goes for people too: nobody looks at Stephen King and Whoopi Goldberg screaming angry profanities and concludes: “What a delightful person. Because of their eloquent, measured rhetoric, I am now convinced in the rightness of their cause. I’d love to have them over for dinner. Also, I’m going to vote just like them.”

Don’t let your opponent turn you into a deranged psychopath like the very, very many people on the internet who were once interesting and intelligent but who can now barely string together a coherent sentence because they’re so completely outraged by someone else that they’ve lost all sense of self.

#5: STOP USING HYPERBOLE LIKE “THE BEST” OR “THE WORST IN HISTORY”

I first saw this happen back around 2008. It was dumb then, and it’s even worse now. During that presidential election, I heard people on the radio say things like, “We’re more divided as a country than we’ve ever been.”

WHAT? HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO SAY THAT?

Look, we’re pretty divided along partisan, ideological lines; I get it. But in the 2000s? What’s wrong with you?

America was TORN IN TWO during an actual armed civil war in the 1800s. In what is still our deadliest war, Americans picked up guns and fired at fellow Americans: friends, brothers, neighbors, and cousins in a bloody battle for the soul of the nation.

That is not happening now.

Also, your candidate is not “the best in history.” The other party’s candidate is not “the worst in history.”

And no, this is not “the most important election in our lifetime,” except in the sense that every election is the most important election in our lifetime.

Trump isn't the best president in history, and he isn’t the worst president in history.

Seriously: if you use hyperbole like this, remember the sage words of Michael Jordan:

“Stop it. Get some help.”

So this election day, leave the hyperbole behind.

You’re better than this, and you know it.

Make your kids proud.

Tonight, go vote, then go drink a beer with a buddy.

Tomorrow, no matter what happens, wake up and put your pants on, brew some coffee, and go to work and act like a normal person.

You’ll thank me later.

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